100 Days of copyrighted jokes

People are so much younger than they used to be. 30 is the new 20. 40 is the new 30. If you’re trying to decide whether a man you know is truly middle age ask yourself this: has he changed his ‘sent from my iPhone’ email signature to something he considers to be witty?


My girlfriend loves loyalty schemes - Fly Buys, One Card, Airpoints … she belongs to about 40 of them. It’s the opposite of loyalty. She’s loyal to these businesses in the same way Tiger Woods was loyal to his wife.


I’m a late adopter. When it came to searching the web, I was using that Ask Jeeves website long after everybody else had moved on to google. One day I asked Jeeves ‘what’s this google everybody’s talking about?’ and not only did he not reply, he wouldn’t take my questions for a month. 


You can tell how many phone calls people get by how familiar they are with their own ringtone. Like when my mum’s phone goes, she looks around encouragingly, like somebody’s put a CD on.

Coming out

I have two liberal, middle-class parents. It sounds good but it came with its struggles. I still remember the time I had to sit them both down and break the news that I wasn’t gay. 


Cabin crews always warn you to watch out in case your hand luggage has moved in flight. How does that one making the cut? You have people’s attention for about thirty seconds, and you’re going with “Here is your lifejacket, this is where you’ll find oxygen, your scarf may be up to a foot away from where you left it”.


My girlfriend has worked out that you can save up to 90% on purchases by buying seasonal things after the season has ended. No lie, in our kitchen we have a salad bowl in which I am required to place surplus salad, so that no guest may remove the remaining piece of cos lettuce and reveal the phrase ‘Merry Christmas 2010’.


I recently bought a house, so I’ve had to try and learn everything about loans and banking very quickly. I don’t think it’s going very well. My bank manager sent me congratulations flowers the day I first said the word ‘mortgage’ without pronouncing the ‘t’.


I was boiling pasta shells the other day and when they were done I took the pot of the stove and strained it over the sink. The pasta survived alright but the water suddenly changed and as it came pouring into the sink it turned into ancient words and symbols prophesizing the end of the world. That’s the last time I buy a Mayan colander.

How we’re drinking

Most New Zealanders are conditioned to wonder if they might have a little alcohol problem. My advice is don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t have an alcohol problem just because you know exactly what time each of your local bottle stores shut. You have a problem if you know what time they open.